Don't Let HPOCD Happen To You
by The Redheaded Duck
Summary: Hogwarts is big, but is it big enough for two sets of Marauders? Full summary inside. SBOC JPOC RLOC LMOC OCOC.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: James Potter, Sirius Black, Lucius Malfoy, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, and Minerva McGonagall are not ours (although we like to think the first 4 belong to us). Any and all characters, places, situations, spells, and dialogue that you recognize do not belong to us.

Summary: Hogwarts is big, but can it possibly hold 2 sets of Marauders? Follow the trials and tribulations of the Four Marauders we all know and love, (and, well, one we hate) and their female counterparts. (Obviously AU)

A/N: This was written by 5 different people, and although it takes place in the HP universe our writing tends to include inside jokes and situations from our actual lives (and yes, we DO have them, as hard as it may seem to believe!) This story can still be very much enjoyed even if you don't know us, but it is recommended that you read any story on this account (there are stories written by me and one other writer) as well as anything by Bammbean, for some background reading.

And now, on to the story!

Chapter 1: Prologue

Hogwarts was a big school. But could it possibly ever be big enough to hold two sets of Marauders?

It was September 1st. The train had just pulled into Hogsmeade station. This year was a formidable year. The teachers knew who was going to be coming through those doors any minute. The most troublesome, dangerous, _maraudering _students ever to pass through those hollowed halls. These ten students were completely outside normal disciplinary standards.

Nothing worked. No toilet cleaning, no trophy shining, and certainly no line writing. They made everything into a spectacle; the world was a playground to them. If Hogwarts was their audience, then any table, chair, desk, broom, or couch could be morphed into their stage.

First, there were the girls, and do not make the mistake of underestimating them, you'd probably end up dead.

Alyssa Henry, strikingly beautiful; all she needed was a shampoo, tight jeans and black eyeliner. She was observant of everything, and everyone was observant of her. And if she was ever in a room with someone she didn't know....well God help them.

Then, Lauren Russell. Her main weapons were her wit and sarcasm. With blonde hair and blue eyes, many people made the mistake of assuming she was sweet and loving, and sometimes a really naïve person might think she would feel bad if (and when) she insulted someone. Haha. She believed in honesty.

Lindsay Borealis was the best friend of Alyssa. Being tall and blonde, she was also Alyssa's physical opposite, who was short and brunette. Lindsay had a very big tendency to zone out in class. She always had a song playing in her head, and it wasn't that unusual for her to burst out singing in the hallway.

Corinne Gardener was a fiery red head with an insatiable thirst for caffeine. In the morning she would become a small ball of energy bouncing off the walls, and she never had any "down" time. You could locate her almost anywhere in the castle by following her continuous flow of laughter.

Pamela Castineiras was pretty with dark curly hair and dark eyes. She was always writing her newest Pulitzer Prize winner. People loved her stories and poems; she was amazing.

These five girls were all known to be funny and witty, and they each absorbed books like water. They were all very different, but still very similar. They had their own spark of individuality, and were the most dangerous things the teachers had ever seen. Because on top of being irresistible and spontaneous, they also possessed unimaginable magical powers. But probably most importantly, they were friends first, and witches second. No one else came before each other, and they would all sooner die than betray one of their group.

The boys, however, were another story.

First there were the Marauders.

James Potter was the Quidditch star of the school. He was the equivalent of a football player in a Muggle High school. He was one of the three uncrowned kings of the school, and he knew it and loved it. He was also amazingly intelligent.

His counterpart was Sirius Black. Sirius was basically....well, really hot. He didn't exactly have James' talent on the Quidditch field, but it didn't matter. He had girls drooling all over him anyway. He only liked one girl, but she had never returned his feelings.

Remus Lupin was the third. He was by far the most quiet and well-behaved. Because of this, he had been granted a prefects badge in 5th year. The teachers had hoped he could somehow control his friends (Sirius and James, as well as the girls, had quite a passion for pranks) but all Remus did was plan them so they wouldn't get caught.

(There was a fourth boy, Peter Pettigrew, but Lindsay shoved him in the vanishing closet cabinet, no one bothered to look for him, and they all realized they were better off without him.)

Then, Lucius Malfoy. The Marauders and Malfoy hated each other. Lucius's best friend, Severus Snape, was the recipient of almost all of the Marauders' pranks. He had the well known Malfoy hair and skin (politely declared by Lauren as "those freaky-ass albinos"). He was a shady boy who had dabbed in the Dark Arts. Corinne was the only one who defended him; she believed there was more to him than everyone else saw.

And the last, well, let's let another author tell his story, because this girl just isn't the one to do so. But let it be known that his story was the most interesting of the lot.

And at this very moment, the teachers stood at the head of the hall, waiting for the students to take their seats. Just waiting for the year to officially begin. Because this year was different than the year before it.

This year they were 6th years.

Then, as the candles dripped, and the pumpkins smiled, and the suits of armor creaked, the teachers heard the carriages come up in the front. They heard voices, doors opening, footsteps, very familiar cackling laughter.

McGonagall gulped.

The main hall doors opened, they heard the creaking, and more insane laughter, other people joining in.

Sinistra looked down the line of teachers. He thought they must look strange, set up as if for battle. But his hands were sweating, hidden in the folds of his robes.

The doors opened as the five most formidable people the teachers could have imagined poured in. Alyssa was in front followed closely by Lindsay, then Lauren and Pam who were holding Corinne, who obviously had a serious laughing attack.

They all looked up at the teachers and Alyssa said two words.

"We're back."


	2. Confrontations and Pineapples

Disclaimer and Summary: see Chapter 1

Chapter 2: 

The effect that these two words had on the battlefield of teachers was unimaginable. Professor Sinistra fainted, Professor Vector simply inhaled, and Professor McGonagall stepped forward, trying to keep her stern stare in place and not let her fear shine through.

"Ladies. I assume your summer was pleasant?" She looked the girls up and down, trying to figure out their agenda.

"Oh, fantastic", Lauren smirked, "We only got arrested twice this time!"

McGonagall didn't flinch. "Please take your seats."

"You know, Professor, I actually fancy a nap. See you in class...maybe," Lindsay said, smiling her innocent-blond-girl-smile and twirling right back around, out of the hall, closely followed by her friends.

All of the other students in the Great Hall stood up and began to applaud. Sirius Black stood up as well, and turned to James Potter.

"You have to admit, they've got style."

James shrugged. "And we don't?"

Sirius smiled, looking mischievous. "This means war."

The five girls skipped up the steps of the grand staircase, laughing. They were such badasses...not.

"It's so great how people just worship us for no reason," Pam said, looking around.

"That's not true, it's cause we're cool," Corinne said, collapsing into a fit of giggles.

"And oh-so-modest," Pam replied.

"Hey, modest people suck," Alyssa said, pulling out her vanilla lip gloss, "Just cause we know we're awesome, that makes us even more awesome. We just can't lose."

Just as she was about to layer on another glop of gloss, the girls turned the corner and walked directly into...Lucius Malfoy.

Malfoy and the girls stared at each other for a full 10 seconds, an accomplishment very great on the girls' part at least. Finally Lauren, always the one that spoke up through her sarcasm, said, "Had a nice summer, Malfoy?"

"Fine," he answered coolly, narrowing her eyes at her until they had almost become slits. Towering at over 6 feet, he peered down at all the girls, except maybe Lindsay, who almost reached his height. His eyes lingered on Corinne for longer than normal, which made Lauren stare at him and then at Corinne. Corinne gave Lauren a 'Why-the-hell-is-he-staring-at-me' look.

"Well, Malfoy, great to see you-" Lindsay started.

"Have a nice life," Alyssa finished, as the girls started walking away, giving Malfoy dirty looks. They were all on their way to their Tower, but Corinne stayed back, almost as if she was contemplating dancing on the spot. Luckily, no one noticed she and Malfoy share a few whispered words before she ran (erm....speed walked) to catch up with her friends.

When she did, she said, "Guys, I'm gonna go back down to the feast. I'm starving."

"Corinne, you had 12 Pumpkin Pasties on the train!" exclaimed Lindsay.

"And two of my Chocolate Frogs," added Pam.

"I know, but I need some real food," Corinne argued.

"I thought that _was_ real food in your world," Alyssa said, smiling with a twinkle in her eye.

But Corinne was already halfway down the stairs, yelling that she would bring them back some food, and the four girls watched her red hair disappear. They continued to the Gryffindor Common Room, and into the dormitory that now read "Sixth Years".

After settling in and having some mindless girl talk, Lindsay sat back on her bed and asked, "What do you think was going on with Malfoy before?"

"Who knows?" answered Pam.

"Who cares?" Lauren said.

"Hey guys, did you see how hot James looked today?"

The other three girls groaned, as this was about the 15th mention of James and his hotness on Alyssa's part, but they were secretly thankful for the change in conversation. Who wanted to talk about Malfoy, anyway?

As Corinne scampered off to her secret rendezvous, madness ensued in the common room. Alyssa whipped out her straightening iron, trying to "fix" random first years' hair, while Lindsay held them down to aid in the beautifying process; Pam wrote a poem, and Lauren tortured another few poor unsuspecting souls.

Meanwhile, in the boys' dormitory....

"Hey Remus, what do you think would make more of a mess, an exploding pineapple or an exploding watermelon? Cause my dear friend Prongs here seems to be under the impression that watermelons have more surface area, therefore-"

"Sirius, STOP! It's only our first day back! Must you immediately cause a ruckus?"

Remus looked over at his two friends. Sometimes, he just didn't know what to do with them.

"A ruckus? Honestly, Moony, how old ARE you? You sound like my great-grandfather, may God rest his stuck up, pureblood, bigoted soul," Sirius smiled.

"Fine," Remus sighed, "a watermelon would cover more, but pineapple will smell worse and has those spiky type things on it."

"Okay, pineapple it is!" said Sirius, giving James an 'I-told-you-so' look.

"And who, pray tell, is one the receiving end of this prank? Malfoy? Snape?"

"Nope," James said, "We'll be paying a visit to the girls dormitory tonight...no one can rival our pranks."

Sirius and James exchanged high-fives, and Remus sighed again. This wasn't a good idea, he could feel it.


	3. The Plan of All Plans

Disclaimer and Summary: See Chapter 1

Chapter 3:

At Midnight

Corinne returned to the common room after the feast ended, just smiling and giving people strange looks. When they realized they were the only ones in the common room, the five girls lowered their voices, not wanting to wake anyone up, because who would worship their very being if they were tired and cranky?

While Pam was throwing various things in the fire, the girls heard a crack on the staircase, and then a distinguished male voice. They all looked at each other grinning mischievously.

"Should we stop them?" Corinne asked.

None of them even blinked before they got up and crept after them, up the stairs, and turned the corner to watch the show.

Remus, James, and Sirius were standing outside the door marked "6th Years" with armloads of pineapples. Sirius was trying to shift the fruit in his arms to he could open the door.

"What if they wake up, Padfoot?" Remus asked.

"Then we drop the weapons and run," Sirius glared at him, "Moony, can you help me with the door please?"

As Remus and Sirius tried to get the door open, Lindsay saw Corinne start to shake, and she slapped a hand over her mouth to control the oncoming flow of laugher.

"Here it comes," Lauren said, smiling from ear to ear.

All the girls paused and held their breath as the door knob turned and the door opened. Immediately, the door banged open with invisible force and the three boys flew backwards slamming against the wall, as all the pineapples exploded, their hair turned pink, and pig noses and furry eyebrows erupted on their faces.

The girls burst out laughing as they tumbled out from behind the corner.

"No!" Sirius yelled, bits of pineapple shaking off his clothes, "YOU DID NOT JUST PRANK US!"

"Oh, but we did!" Alyssa shouted jumping in front of him, "and we pranked you bad!"

"NO YOU DIDN'T!" said James, spitting pineapple out of his mouth, "We were just about to prank you, so it makes your prank null and void."

"No, it increases tenfold," Lauren pointed a finger at them.

"I told you this wasn't a good idea," Remus moaned as he was hauled to his feet by the other two boys.

"Shut up, Professor Lupin," Sirius grumbled, stalking off, leaving a trail of pineapple remains as he left.

"Don't you yell at him, he was right!" Corinne said, stepping up.

"Yeah, you shouldn't have been in our dorms!" Pam added.

They just stalked off, and the girls, finally, went to bed.

_The next morning... _

"And ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG! Ohhhh...." Lindsay scream-sang, in an attempt to wake up the other girls. They didn't move...attempt 1 down.

"FIRE! FIRE! The whole dorm's burning down!!!"

Still nothing...

"Lots of food! I have lots of food! F-O-O-D! Food, food, G-O-O-D, good, good food food food!

This time, only Corinne woke up, rubbing her eyes. "Did someone say food?"

"Get dressed Corinneyness," Lindsay said, "We have work to do."

"Ok, but where's the food?"

"CORINNE!"

"Ok, ok, sorry," she said, getting up and going over to Pam's bed.

"Pam, there's some Japanese guy here with lots of swords, he says he's your hot sword fighting poet friend."

Like clockwork, Pam jumped out of bed and whipped out her sword, which she had been sleeping with. "WHERE?"

"Nowhere, I lied. Get dressed, Lindz is up to something."

Meanwhile, Lindsay was still trying to wake Alyssa.

"Yay! New lipgloss, Lys!"

She didn't move.

"Hey, let's have a hair-straightening party!"

She still didn't move.

"Ooo, boys, and they all want to worship you, Lys!"

Finally, Lindsay got it.

"Alyssa! Ahmed is here and he wants to have THE TALK!"

Alyssa sprang out of bed and ran behind Lindsay. "Hide me!" she screamed.

"I was just kidding, he's not here."

"Oh, wow, that is SO not funny, what the hell is wrong with you, woman?" Alyssa freaked out.

"It's time to implement 'the plan'," Lindsay smiled.

"Wait, the _plan_ plan?" Alyssa asked.

"No, not THAT plan, the other plan."

Alyssa thought for a second, then comprehension dawned on her face.

"Oh....THAT plan...." She thought for another second, then asked, "We're doing it now?"

Lindsay nodded. "As soon as we can get her up," motioning toward Lauren.

Alyssa smirked. "I know exactly how."

She strode over to Lauren's bed and shouted, "Oh, so you mean the only reason Lauren makes fun of Black is because she likes him, not because she hates him? Why, that explains everything!"

Lauren immediately jumped out of bed and grabbed Alyssa, "What did you say? That's not true, brain trust! God!"

"Lola, it's ok, I was just kidding," Alyssa said, shaking Lauren off her.

"Oh, you bitch, bite me," Lauren glared.

Lindsay walked over and told her to get dressed. "We're implementing the plan," she informed the finally-woken girl.

"Wait, the _plan_ plan?" Lauren asked.

Alyssa sighed. "No, not that plan. The _other _plan!"

Lauren looked surprised.

"You mean, THE plan? The plan of all plans?"

Lindsay smiled. "Yeah, Laur. That plan."


	4. The Plan in Action

Disclaimer and Summary: See Chapter 1

Chapter 4:

Angry at the fact that there was no hot sword-welding Japanese poet for whom she was woken up for, Pam looked out the window while the others came up with the plan of all plans. She caught random words here and there, including "lip gloss", "penguins", "collective maiming", "shun", "blonde fury", "food", and "massive bad hair day". Just as she was about to contribute to the conversation, (wanting to burn and chop up random people with her sword), something outside caught her eye. No, wait, someone. All she saw was beautiful, long, blood-red hair, the glint of a silver earring, and the graceful swaying of a black cloak before a high-pitched laughter snapped her back to reality.

Corinne was laughing hysterically at something Lauren just said, and was rolling around on the floor. Pam smiled, pulled out her lighter to play with, and looked back outside.

He was gone..

"Dammit!" She hissed, earning her weird looks from her friends.

"Umm...Pammie?" Alyssa asked sweetly.

"Yes?"

"Your cloaks on fire!" Lindsay yelled.

Pam jumped and started putting out the flames, hiding her embarrassment. Lauren was already at the window. They did like the same guys, after all. And it had to be some guy.

"There's no one there," Pam said quietly, changing out of her burned robes.

Her mood changing instantly, she grinned wickedly and said, "So..the plan of all plans.."

Pam's mysterious "distraction" soon forgotten, they all gathered around Alyssa's bed and began to scheme.

Meanwhile, he sat outside of the building leading up to the Gryffindor Tower, and looked up at her just as she left the window. He had watched her many times...not in a creepy "I'm-watching-you" sort of way, but just those moments when she was quiet, alone, when she thought no one was looking. Hah. How wrong she was. After all, James Potter was certainly not the only one with an Invisibility Cloak...

"Alyssa!" Lindsay yelled through the door. "You need to stop doing your hair! I need the straightener!"

Suddenly, as Corinne walked in with coffee for everyone, though 3 of the 5 cups were already empty, James, Sirius, and Remus emerged in the dormitory as well.

"Does the staircase not work anymore? You're not supposed to be in here!" Lauren yelled.

"We are here", Sirius started, "to escort you fair ladies to breakfast."

"Number 1, we don't need escorts, number 2, if we did, it wouldn't be y-"

"Oh, Sirius, you can escort me to breakfast," Marianna waltzed in, batting her eyelashes at him. Marianna was a skanky Russian transfer student.

"OH NO YOU WILL NOT!" all five girls stood up and yelled.

"But-"

"Out!"

"I haven't-"

"Out!"

"You have no-"

"Why aren't you gone yet?"

Reluctantly she swung her greasy blond hair and walked away with very bad posture.

"Ok, so-"

But before James could finish his sentence, several boys ran in the room.

First, came the signing quartet of boys that follow Alyssa around wanting to wash her hair. Then Vinny, a boy who had been in love with Alyssa for years, came in. All four girls pointed to the bathroom door where Alyssa remained in a misty haze of hair care products.

"Alyssa?" he said in an awestruck voice. "I've just realized! We're soul mates! We both have an intense love for clothes and hair! We're perfect for each other! Come, let me whisk you off to a corner where we may explore each other's facial orifices."

And they left.

James decided to have a hissy fit.

Then Josh and George, two guys who have routinely asked out both Alyssa and Lindsay for about 2 years, waltzed in just as Alyssa and Vinny came out, faces already attached. Lindsay just glanced at them both and silently walked out. Remus followed her.

Pam seemed to catch something outside that caught her interest.

"I gotta go....see something," she said before running out of the room.

Lauren was having a fight with Sirius about something literally unimportant to anyone else, got mad, and left as well.

"But what about the PLAN?!?" Corinne yelled after her four friends.

Corinne wandered around Gryffindor Tower, thinking vaguely about going back down to the Great Hall for a second breakfast, when she ran into Lucius Malfoy for the second time in two days.

"God," Corinne said, "Can we put a bell on you or something?"

"Good morning to you, too," he said, bending down to kiss her cheek.

"We really need to plan our little escapades better," Corinne said, as she started to laugh, which turned into a complete laughing/coughing fit. Lucius silenced her with another kiss.

At that very moment, Pam rounded the corner with her mysterious stranger.

"Corinne! What are you doing? And with HIM???"

"Nothing...eww Malfoy, get away from me!" Corinne tried to act like she couldn't stand the sight of him, but it was difficult...

"What are YOU doing?" Corinne retorted back at Pam. "Who's that?"

"Oh, him? I have no idea, he just started following me..." Pam said very unconvincingly.

"You know what, it's obvious we're both lying. Let's just pretend this never happened," Corinne said.

Pam smiled, liking Corinne's devilish side. "I won't tell if you won't!"

"Deal!" and the two pairs turned and went their separate ways.

At exactly 8 o'clock, the five girls met at the statue of Barnabas the Boring as they had planned.

"Do you have the stuff?" Lindsay asked.

"I have the essence of bat wings, the itching powder, the slug slime, and the color-changing concoction," Pam said.

"But we're still missing the dash of gillyweed and the bottle of burning salamander scales!" Lauren sighed.

"Oh, I got Vinny to get those for us," Alyssa said, "and a camera too, so we could capture the moment forever."

"Okay, then we're ready. To the kitchens!" Corinne shouted dramatically.

For once, going to the kitchens was actually part of "the plan" and not just a detour because Corinne was hungry. Alyssa ran ahead of everyone and tickled the pear in the picture.

"Finally, I get to tickle something," she giggled. The painting turned into a door, and the 5 girls jumped inside.

"Hey house elves! We need your help!" Lindsay shouted.

"How can I help you misses?" said the first elf.

"Can you show us what plates are going to the Slytherin table, and the back half of the Gryffindor Table?" Lindsay asked in her best innocent-girl voice.

The house elves pointed them out immediately, and the girls hurried over.

"Okay, mix all the stuff together, then add it to the food. As soon as the Slytherins and the Marauders bite into their food, little pixie things will dance around in their stomachs, and will literally throw a party in their guts." Alyssa grinned.

They poured the mixture on so it looked like gravy. Then they left the kitchens and sat in their seats at the breakfast table. No one saw Corinne lean over as she passed Malfoy and whisper, "Don't eat the food."

The food appeared, and the boys all shoved their faces in it. Almost instantly, their faces turned in interesting shade of purple...then all hell broke loose.

A/N: thanks so much to HPelvenfaeiry for reviewing! And of course to my NAMs (who, because I must point out the obvious, did write, like, almost this whole story!)


	5. Flashbacks and Kung Fu

Disclaimer and Summary: see chapter 1

Chapter 5:

"What the _pfffttt _is going on?" James said, interrupted as a balloon flew out of his mouth.

Sirius laughed at him just as streamers of various colors sprung out of his nose. The same thing happened to Remus as he tried to take control of the situation and figure out what had happened. Peter fell over at the table (possibly from the effect of little dancing pixies in his stomach) and landed in a bowl of scrambled eggs).

The girls were simply enjoying the fun. They almost forgot that they pranked the Slytherins too. They all looked to their table and, sure enough, saw balloons, streamers, and little dancing men signing "the candy man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good" all over the place. It was absolute chaos, and the girls were loving every minute of it. Suddenly, Dumbledore stood up, radiating great power and strength in a way that only he could, and yelled, "Quiet!"

Everyone shut up and froze; people tended to take it seriously when Dumbledore shouted.

"Now, what seems to be the problem?" he asked, as if nothing more than a slight confusion had just occurred. Everyone was still too afraid to speak, so he continued, "Well, if you ask me, it seems that someone played a sort of...prank...nothing that unusual, I'm afraid. Although, those that, normally, I'm afraid to say, are responsible for this sort of thing, seem to be part of the inflicted population," his eyes glanced at the Marauders, and smiled, and Sirius burped out a balloon in agreement.

"So," he continued, "Who is responsible for this?" now speaking more to himself than the others.

Everyone looked around at each other. The Slytherins were covered in streamers, as were the Marauders and several unlucky Gryffindors who happened to sit near them; the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs were relatively unaffected, except for the few who got in the way of a streamer outburst; the only ones that were really unharmed were the five infamous Gryffindor girls, and Lucius Malfoy.

The girls tried to wipe the guilty looks off their faces, but Corinne broke out laughing when a Pixie man came up to her and began to serenade her with the "Candy Man" song. Lauren tackled her under the table to muffle her laughter, but of course it was completely useless because in the silence everyone had heard her laughter. Dumbledore looked over at them and said, "I see."

Dumbledore stood silently for several seconds; meanwhile, Pam, Lauren, Lindsay, and Alyssa began shoving random objects in Corinne's mouth in hopes that she would stop laughing.

"Black, Potter, Lupin, Russell, Borealis, Henry, Gardner, and Castineiras," Dumbledore started, before he was interrupted by a "clink" sound, as a spoon fell out of Corinne's mouth, "to my office. And please shorten your names so I don't spend an hour reciting them. Thank you," and left.

"We didn't DO anything!" Remus protested with confetti pouring out of his nose. Nonetheless, they all trudged to Dumbledore's office.

"Before we start," Dumbledore said, holding back a chuckle as Sirius burped another balloon, "how do we stop the spell?"

"You have to say CRACK!" said Lindsay.

"CRACK!" Dumbledore yelled.

"No, we were joking, we just wanted to here you say crack," Lindsay said, laughing.

"Say it again!" Alyssa said.

Dumbledore sighed deeply, and said, "You are the most likely suspects, and I don't know which of you did it, so since none of you want to confess, you will all serve detention. Mr. Black and Miss Russell, you will clean the potions room-"

"I'm not cleaning that, it's dirty!" Lauren yelled.

"Obviously..." Remus said, under his breath.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of the dirt your highness..." Sirius said sarcastically.

Dumbledore continued, "Mr. Potter and Ms. Henry, you're taking care of the Quidditch pitch, Mr. Lupin and Ms. Borealis, you're cleaning the trophy room, Ms. Gardner, you will be helping Mr. Malfoy, who also has detention, clean the dungeons, and Ms. Castineiras, you will show a new student around school."

There was silence for a minute.

"Is any part of this school not dirty?" Lauren asked.

Everyone snickered.

"Good," Dumbledore said, "Now back to the common room, and don't forget to take some lemon drops on the way out!"

"You know, I've been thinking...why don't we all team up? Separate, we are flawed, but together we can be masters of our pranking destiny!" Remus said on the way back to the dormitory.

"Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon style is stronger!" Sirius cut in, mocking cheesy kung fu movies.

"The Shaolin masters of the east and west must unite! And find out who is number 1!" James continued.

"Guys, I'm serious!" Remus yelled.

"No, actually, I am," Sirius said.

"Forget it guys," the girls all yelled as they reached the common room, tossed their hair, and went inside.

"Has anyone ever noticed how buff and hot and tan Sirius is?" Lauren said, "Not that I care."

"Suuure," said Alyssa and Lindsay, giving each other smirks.

Corinne was jumping from bed to bed, possibly from an overload on her caffeine consumption at breakfast.

"Guys, we have Potions in five minutes," she said, but no one really answered.

"Does anyone remember why I broke up with James?" Alyssa asked.

"Which time?" Corinne asked.

"The last time."

"He told you he loved you."

FLASHBACK

"I know this is quick Alyssa, and I don't want to use the "L" word but..."

"Good, then don't."

"I think this is love."

Silence.

"...I'm sorry, which "L" word were you thinking of?" Alyssa asked.

END FLASHBACK

"Well I want him back," Alyssa stated matter-of-factly. "I think I have monogamy. I caught it from you," she said to Lindsay.

"Oh, yes, it's airborne."

"Guys, not to interrupt this whole lovey-dovey moment thing you have going on, but we have Potions in exactly 3 minutes."

"Lys, what makes you think this time will be different?" Lindsay asked her counterpart.

"I don't really know, but I just want to try it out again."

"Hey, a really evil wizard is going to sneak into our dormitory and kill us all if we don't move!" Corinne yelled.

"Hey Lys, you going to Potions?" Lauren asked.

"Nah, I'm thinking I might skip it."

A/N: Thanks to Krymsan-Dragyness, freakin-person, and atomic muffin for reviewing! You make us all feel warm and fuzzy inside! LoL

The line, "I think I have monogamy, I caught it from you."

"Oh, yes, it's airborne." – is from Sex and the City, not us, so don't sue.

Teaser of next chappie:

"Do you REALLY want me to say it? Cause I know _everything. _So don't pull shit on me for being closed off with my feelings! Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, I'm afraid of getting attached to someone and getting hurt? Maybe that's why I have my strict no-commitment rule? So both of you shut up! I'm just as stupid as you are!"


	6. Conversations and Lies

Summary and Disclaimer: See chapter 1

A/N: I'm going to put this in the beginning today, because I want to clear a few things up from the reviews now.

To sophianwin: First, thanks so much for the awesome review. Yours is by far the longest and most constructive review that we've ever gotten (on ANY story) and we really want to thank you for that. Now, as to whether this story is a parody or not, to be honest we really don't know. This story is just a way for us to survive the day in school when we're not in classes together, to joke around and have fun. We can't really classify it as a parody or not because none of us really knows where this story will go. But just a warning as to later chapters: there will be come parts that seem very much like a parody, yet still other parts that will be serious and have an actual plotline. So, it's your choice. But either way, I can assure you, the story is entertaining, so keep reading.

As to your reasons why this story COULD be a parody:

1) It was not stated that all five girls were pretty. It was stated that Alyssa is "strikingly beautiful", and Pam is "pretty", while Corinne, physically, was only described as being "a red head", Lindsay, "tall and blond" and Lauren, "blond and blue eyed". Those last three descriptions do not necessarily mean that they are "pretty". (But another thing to remember, is that the female characters are basically based on ourselves, so the person who happened to write this part of the story would probably not call her own character "pretty" unless she wants to come off as conceited to the other writers (which she didn't)). As far as the Mary-Suedom, again, these characters are basically ourselves, so however we portray the characters is how we see each other.

2) The descriptions of the main characters in the beginning of the story would probably be a good way to start off a parody, I'll admit, but it happened to be the style of the author who was writing at the time. The descriptions were kept fairly short, and as the story progresses you will be able to "see" the characters rather than "be told" about them.

3) The girls' reaction to Malfoy, although clichéd, in your opinion, is how our version of him wants to act. As to why he looks at them at all, if you read the later chapters, you should know why. The same for Remus's reaction to the pranks; it's how we picture him at that time.

4) Ahh, the Peter question. This is where we take a little liberty on the borderline parody-ness. It's stated in the beginning that Lindsay pushed him into the vanishing closet, but then in Chapter 5 he reappears. Ok, so they got him out of the closet. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.) That's what happens when you have 5 different authors, we may tend to get a bit inconsistent, but it shouldn't ruin the story.

5) Finally, the title. HPOCD was something we made up to call our Sirius obsession with Harry Potter. When we decided to put this story on FanFiction, we had no title, and because I was typing it all and could think of no other title, I used this. Probably sounds better for a parody, but who cares.

Phew. Ok. Next.

Me: Yes, we realize that you're supposed to get Prefects badges in 5th year, not 6th year. It was my fault, a typing error, not a content fault of the authors'. But really, you didn't have to be so rude...

Thanks again to Atomic Muffin for reviewing!

Now, on to the story!

Ch. 6:

That night, in the boy's dormitory:

"Guys, do you think Alyssa wants me back yet?" James whined.

"You sound like a little girl, Prongs," Sirius bit back at him.

"Shut up Padfoot. Like Lauren is totally fawning all over you. She hates you."

"Listen James, Alyssa isn't a good idea. She's like, a... man-eater, or something, and...she knows things....it's why her hair is so big...it's full of secrets!"

James rolled his eyes. "I really think you're overreacting here."

Remus sighed. "Lauren's kind of a bitch and doesn't really like you that much Sirius, and James, Alyssa broke up with you because she felt that one month was 'too close to a fully established relationship' and because she 'couldn't deal with the constant declarations of love-"

James cut him off. "Constant? It was one time!"

"Exactly. She's a marathon dater. She's dated everyone. She dated the Egyptian cow (A/N: Don't ask!) for Christ's sake."

"Too true." Sirius said. "But shall we take a look at your romantic record, or lack thereof, Remus?"

"I have a perfectly fine love life, thank you very much."

"Pining over one girl for six years is not what I'd call 'perfectly fine'," James exclaimed.

"What's up with you and Lindsay, anyway?" Sirius said.

"We're just friends-"

"Yeah, I know the feeling, but my door is still open!" said the Egyptian cow as he randomly passed by.

"WHAT is that guy's problem?" James yelled.

"Who knows?" Remus said.

"Does he even go here?" James yelled again.

"Yeah, he's staying in the 'Heartbroken by Alyssa Henry' ward," Sirius said.

"Oh my god, you're kidding!" James yelled.

"No, they actually built one," Sirius said, being perfectly serious.

"Wow, we really need to meet new people," Remus sighed.

* * *

"So, guys, what do you think of Remus?" Lindsay asked when the girl's dormitory had been quiet for quite a while and Corinne was already asleep.

"In what way?" Pam asked curiously.

"Oh, I don't know, any...way."

"No!" Lauren and Alyssa shouted at once.

"What?" asked Lindsay, startled.

"You like him!" they said again, simultaneously.

"No, I don't. I just think he's cool, and wanted to know if you guys think ," she finished lamely.

"Right!" they said again, this time Pam joining in.

"Why didn't you tell me, Lindz?" asked Alyssa.

"Cause there's nothing to tell! There's no tellage necessary whatsoever!" She yelled, getting up. She sighed. "I'm going to the kitchens. I need some chocolate."

"Kitchens? Chocolate???" Corinne yelled, suddenly wide awake, jumping up from her bed and nearly banging her head on the ceiling.

"Yeah, c'mon."

Corinne immediately shot out of bed and followed Lindsay out of the dormitory.

They walked silently for a few seconds until Corinne suddenly said, "So, wait, you like Remus?"

"I thought you were asleep!"

"I was. But sometimes I hear things even in my sleep."

"Oh, yes, a very rare gift," Lindsay said, smiling.

"I always thought so," Corinne said seriously. "So are we really going for chocolate? I like chocolate..." she said, then went into a short daydream about the orgasmic effects of chocolate.

"Yes, I know, Corinneyness."

"You want to go see Remus, don't you?" Corinne said, snapping back to reality (sort of).

"No-"

"You know, there's no rule about girls going into boys' dorms, just boys going into girls' dorms."

"No, see, there are those rules, because Alyssa and Lauren say no, it's obviously not allowed."

"It's not allowed because Alyssa and Lauren said no?"

"Well, you know, Alyssa is really like the other half of my brain, and even if I thought I liked him, which I don't, she doesn't like the idea...am I making sense or am I just being blonde..?"

"But you don't know that she doesn't like the idea! And you like him, don't lie!"

"Nu-uh," Lindsay said, "Lys doesn't like the idea, did you not hear the loud NO? And this conversation means nothing because even if I did like him, there's no way he likes me."

"Are you kidding? Have you SEEN him around you lately?"

"Hey guys, did you get any chocolate? I suddenly got a craving," Alyssa said, appearing from around a corner. "So Lindz has a crush on Lupin? Yea, I 'overheard' the entire convo. I don't have a problem with him, per se, I just don't think he uses enough hair care products."

"But who cares?" Corinne practically shouted. "Ok, so maybe this IS Remus Lupin, who doesn't do his hair, and reads like 3,000 page Transfiguration books for fun, and uses words like 'ruckus' in everyday conversation-"

"Whoa, when did he do that?" Alyssa asked.

"That's not the point," Corinne said, waving Alyssa off quickly. "The point is, that he has been in love with Lindz for so long, and we're not doing anything about it!"

"Ah, so true. I thought it was a bit strange that he didn't openly like someone for six years. I thought either he was gay or he had an unrequited crush on me," Alyssa smiled.

"Not everyone fits into those two groups, Lys," Corinne said, grinning.

"Ok! OK!," Lindsay interrupted, "but none of this proves that he likes me! He really could be gay! We have no way of knowing!"

Just then, out of no where, because that's how things happen in this school, James and Sirius showed up.

"So, the blonde likes Remus. That's convenient, seeing as he likes her," Sirius said.

Lindsay freaked out because of the obvious violation of privacy. Corinne and Alyssa just turned around and grinned evilly, "See!"

"But what if he's just gay and doesn't know it yet? I mean, c'mon, look at George, look at Josh, I tend to attract men of the homosexual variety," Lindsay said, still not convinced.

"Well, we're not going to disagree with you!" Sirius said.

"Sirius!" Corinne yelled.

"C'mon, what guy reads as much as he does?"

The three girls gave him disgusted looks, not believing his stupidity.

"So anyway," said James, wanting to talk about something important: himself, "Alyssa. I miss you, I haven't seen you, how are you feeling?"

Of course, the Egyptian cow walked by and yelled, "Sorry, buddy, tried that too, it just doesn't work."

"WHO ARE YOU? Do you even GO HERE??"

"No, he lives in the-" Corinne started.

"Yea, I know, the 'I was an idiot and managed to lose Alyssa' ward. I'll be there soon."

"Oh, you mean they haven't moved you already?"

"Lys, that was so mean," said Lindsay, "And true..."

"So, Corinne and Lindsay, I need your help...with...um... something. Can you come with me?" Sirius said, trying to be inconspicuous, but failing miserably.

"You can't leave me here with himmmmm," Alyssa fake-whined.

"Oh, Alyssa, you know you want me."

"If I wanted you, I wouldn't have broken up with you!" Alyssa retorted. She turned around, and caught up with her friends, who were only a few steps away, wanting to hear the conversation between Alyssa and James.

Once they were all out of earshot of the guys, Lindsay and Corinne both pounced on the short brunette.

"What's your problem?"

"You know you still like him!"

"Just get back with him already!"

"Guys, just shut up! I need to work this out on my own, and I can't with you ragging on my all the time! Like you're so much better than me, Lindz! Don't tell me that you never realized before now that you liked Remus!"

"I didn't! I wasn't really sure-"

"And you!" Alyssa continued, turning toward Corinne.

"What me?" she asked, putting on her best innocent face.

Alyssa just looked at her, with eyes that made Corinne think that she did know _exactly_ what Corinne was hiding.

"Do you _really_ want me to say it? Cause I know _everything. _You've been very _snake-like_ lately.."

"Alyssa no-"

"What do you mean?" Lindsay asked, completely lost.

"So don't pull shit on me for being closed with my feelings! Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, I'm afraid of getting attached to someone and getting hurt? Maybe that's why I have my strict no-commitment rule? So both of you shut up, you're just as stupid as I am!" And with that, Alyssa stormed out of sight before either of the other girls could get a word in.

Lindsay and Corinne stared at each other for a few seconds, silently, and before Lindsay could ask what the accusations were about, Corinne sped off in the opposite direction.

Lindsay noticed the direction Corinne was headed, then the mention of snakes, and something clicked. "Oh, shit..."


	7. Breakups and Makeups sort of

James and Sirius could hear the girls shouting, and they looked at each other in shock.

"Alyssa...has...feelings?" Sirius said, struggling to understand the concept.

"Wow. Wow. Dude, _that's_ why she broke up with me! This is so great!"

"What do you mean Prongs? You're still broken up. I don't get how this can benefit you, exactly."

"Now I know why she acts the way she does, so if I can change the way she thinks about me, about us, this could work out," James said, looking over at Sirius.

"Right."

"Hey, have you guys seen-" started Lauren, coming around the corner.

"Hey, Lauren, actually, I'm...leaving...to go...start a fire... with Pam...in the ...library...bye," James stuttered and walked away, trying to leave Lauren and Sirius alone.

"What is this, a game of clue?" Lauren asked, completely unfazed. "Oh, well, have you seen Alyssa, Lindsay, Pam, or Corinneyness?"

"Alyssa went into brunette rant stage, Lindsay nearly had a panic attack, Corinne is looking for food, and Pam is burning things in the library," answered Sirius, counting on his fingers.

"Oh, ok, nothing new. I'll leave you alone to start trouble, and get caught."

"Damn," Sirius thought. "I suck."

The next day...

"Ok, class, we will now progress to changing mice into cats. Please face your mouse, "McGonagall said, pacing on front of the room.

"I'm not touching it," Lauren whispered to Lindsay. "It's dirty." She gave her mouse a dirty look as it cleaned its face on her desk.

"Oh, God, Lola, it's not dirty, it's just an animal," Lindsay said, smacking her friend, who smacked her back, which then turned into a full-on smack-fest.

McGonagall decided that the best method was to ignore them. "Let's practice the wand movement first."

Alyssa raised her hand. "But what about the friction?"

"What?" McGonagall asked crossly, now getting aggravated.

"Yeah," Corinne agreed. "The wand is moving through the air, air is made of matter, and the matter will cause friction, which should affect the magic. WHAT ABOUT THE FRICTION?"

"We're going to ignore the friction for now, ladies, now follow me."

"No!" Alyssa yelled. "What if the spell goes wrong? The friction could ruin everything!"

"Miss Henry! Please!"

"BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FRCITION?" they both yelled at the same time.

"Both of you get out of my class!" McGonagall yelled, with fire in her eyes. Both girls just stood there, shocked. They had gotten in trouble before, but they had never been kicked out of class, at least not her class, anyway.

"Wait, what?" Corinne asked, confundled.

"We were just worried about the-"

"Don't say it, Miss Henry! I mean business this year, ladies, and let this be a lesson to you all: I will not tolerate disrespect in my classroom. Now go!"

"But-"

"GO!"

The two girls walked out of the classroom, for the first time ever, feeling completely wrong.

"Why do I feel so bad?"

"Probably because after 5 years of ruling this school, we finally got dethroned by McGonagall," Alyssa sighed.

* * *

That night...

"I can't believe I have to serve detention with _you_, Black." Lauren shouted at Sirius as she watched him scrub the Potions room.

"Lauren, please, just stop."

"Stop, huh? Don't you dare raise you're voice to ME, Black!"

Sirius suddenly stopped scrubbing, got up, and turned to face her.

"I am so sick of you! You walk around here like you're Queen Bitch, or something, like you own everyone here! Well, guess what, you don't! So stop with the attitude! I don't even know why I bother with you!"

She had never seen him this angry. "Sirius, I don't..."

"I can't stand being with you in this room anymore, I can't. I'm going to find Dumbledore. I'll do my detention somewhere else."

He left the room and slammed the door behind him.

"But," Lauren began, tears forming in her eyes, "Who's going to help me clean?"

* * *

On the Quidditch pitch, Alyssa and James worked trying to make it look perfect.

"So, have you given anymore thought about us, Alyssa?"

"There is no, 'us', James."

"It's just that I've been thinking-"

"That's never a good sign."

James chose to ignore her comment and continue, "And I think that if we tried harder, we could make it work."

"Listen, it's nothing against you, I just need my space."

"Merlin, are you the guy?"

"WHAT?"

"I need my space, I can't commit.... you are SO the guy!"

"I am so NOT the guy," Alyssa yelled back at him, "My hair is WAY prettier!" she flipped it dramatically to prove her point.

James was about to retort with another insult, when his brain formed a rare moment of maturity for a 16 year old boy.

"Ok. I don't want to fight with you. If you don't want to be with me anymore, then can we at least try to have some sort of civilized friendship?"

"Nope!" the Egyptian cow yelled, coming across the field, "tried that too- doesn't-"

"You know what? I'm getting a little tired of all these INTERRUPTIONS!" And with that, James walked toward the infamous Egyptian cow and punched him in the nose.

After a minute of silence and staring at the ground, James said to Alyssa, "You know, I don't think McGonagall will appreciate this."

"Definitely not."

* * *

Lindsay and Remus were sitting in the Trophy room looking at the several dozen trophies on the shelves.

"Wow," said Remus.

"Yeah," Lindsay agreed.

"Hold on, did we even do anything wrong? Why are we doing this?" Remus asked.

"Well, you didn't, I did...karma's a bitch, huh?" Lindsay answered, grinning.

They sat in silence for a while, until finally Remus said, "So, that Transfiguration test...whoa, huh?"

Lindsay stared at him with a shocked look on her face, "I have never seen you quite so pathetic than at this moment, Lupin."

He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out, and he paused for a moment before sticking his tongue out.

She just laughed, and continued polishing.

* * *

Meanwhile, Lucius and Corinne sat scrubbing the floors of the dungeons, just feet away from the Potions room.

"Isn't it strange that we were paired up to serve detention together?" Corinne asked. "I just love life's little oddities."

"Well, as much as I don't like to admit it, Dumbledore knows a lot more than people realize. Just look at how all your...." Lucius almost cringed, "friends got paired up with their 'significant others'".

"Oh, come on, Lucius, they're not that bad, are they? When are you going to accept the fact that they're my friends?"

"I don't know, Corinne," he said, his voice suddenly becoming angry, "Maybe when they accept the fact that I'm your boyfriend."

Corinne just stared at him, shocked.

"Lucius I-"

"I _am _your boyfriend, right?"

"Yes, of course you are-"

"Because, you know, it doesn't really feel like it!"

"You know why-"

"I'm sick of all this secrecy! I told my father about us, Corinne! That man has more power over my life than you can even imagine! But I told him!"

"Your father? Lucius-"

"And you don't even have the balls to tell you're friends! They're not the ones who can kick you out of your house because of who they are! They're not the ones who are pressuring you to jo-"

He stopped suddenly, and took a breath. "I mean, to, um, just, be like...him."

"Lucius?" Corinne said tentatively, hoping he had calmed down. "I didn't know you felt this way. I thought you were okay with the fact that we weren't telling anyone."

"Okay with it? Okay with the fact that we have to resort to secret codes and looks to talk to each other? Okay with the fact that I can't be seen around you not wearing an Invisibility Cloak or a dirty look? I'm tired of it!"

"Well what do you expect me to do? They won't accept you, Lucius."

"Then you need to evaluate your friendships. I'm not the one wrong here. It's you and your friends. You think I'm wrong for judging people according to blood and school houses? You do the same thing. They judge me by my family, my connections, my blood. You're wrong, and until you realize that, I can't do this anymore."

He got up and left Corinne alone of the floor. As he walked through the corridor, his robes flopping behind him, he bumped right into Sirius Black.

"Black? What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing, Malfoy."

"Corinne...I couldn't... stay in the same room as her for that long, ok? What's you're excuse?"

"Lauren...the same. Not to be rude or anything," he smirked, (since when did he care about being rude?) "but you and Corinne, there's something there, isn't there?"

Malfoy shrugged. "If there was, would I really tell you?"

Sirius nodded. "Point taken. How about you go with Lauren, and I'll go with Corinne."

"Fine. I can handle Lauren's attitude for a couple of hours," Malfoy smirked.

They both began to walk away, and as they turned, they both muttered under their breath, "Girls."

They turned back slightly to face each other, each with smiles (or traces of them) playing across their lips.

Who knows, maybe they weren't as different as they seemed...

* * *

Sirius walked into the dungeon, where Corinne was currently sitting on the floor, tears silently running down her cheeks. When she saw Sirius, she quickly turned around so he couldn't see her face, and squeaked out, "Hiii."

"Oh, no, don't cry..." Sirius said in a voice that sounded like he usually ran fast in the other direction when faced with an emotional girl.

"I'm fiiine," she said, as a fresh wave of waterworks streamed down her cheeks.

"Listen," Sirius said, as her slowly and carefully approached her. "I just saw him outside. I know that's what you're upset about."

"Y-you do? What did he saaaay?"

"Nothing that articulate. But I know that...um...he really likes you. And...for whatever reason... you like him too. Why were you so afraid to tell us?"

"Well, what do you think Sirius? You and James and Remus have been on his case since we got here? Do you really think you would have just left him alone if I asked you to?"

Sirius startled to stumble over an answer, so Corinne used that split second to say, "Huh! Huh! Told you so!"

Sirius breathed in deeply. "Corinne. Shut up. I'm being really nice right now. It's hard for me to be this nice. Now what you do is your business, but we all would have backed you up. We might not like him, but we like you."

"Wow. I like you when you're nice."

"But really, Corinne, why him?"

"Oh, Sirius, you were doing so good!"

"You could do better! I mean honestly-"

"Sirius, enough!"

"Alright, fine. It's not like you were good at keeping it from us anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"Alyssa somehow found out and told Lindsay, who told Pam, who told Lauren, who told Sirius, who told James, who told Remus."

"Of course. My plans foiled by Alyssa once again."

They both smiled, grabbed brushes, and got to work.

* * *

Lucius walked into the Potions room, found in empty, and finally sulked back to the Slytherin common room.

* * *

Pam aimlessly roamed the castle, looking for her detention. She had no idea who this kid was or where she was supposed to be. Of course Professor McGonagall had told her, but she didn't exactly pay attention. She felt like she had circled the castle at least twice. Giving up, she decided to head down to the dungeons and check on Corinne and Malfoy...

She heard Corinne's voice as she neared the room, "...foiled by Alyssa once again."

_Oh no,_ Pam thought, _what did Lys do now?_

She walked in and saw, not Corinne and Malfoy, but Sirius.

"Hey guys, what's going on?"

"Oh, Pammie, me and Lucius had this huge fight..and...and..." she walked over to her amidst a new wave of tears.

"Not again with the _crying!_" Sirius cried out.

Then Lindsay, Remus, James, and Alyssa walked in; they had left their detentions because, no one else was doing theirs, so what they hell? They all saw Corinne collapsed on Pam and Alyssa and Lindsay ran over to help.

Alyssa being the helpful person that she is, said, "Oh, no, she's wheezing!" Lindsay sat beside her, "What happened?"

"Me-and-Lucius-have-been-seeing-each-other-behind-everyones-backs-for-a-while-and-it-turns-out-that-you-all-know-and-now-hes-mad-at-me-and-I-think-we-just-broke-up." Corinne said this all in one breath and now was extremely winded.

"It's ok, just breathe," consoled Pam.

"Someone get her some coffee!" yelled Lindsay, and Remus ran to fetch some.

"Corinne, listen, everything is going to be okay. No one is mad at you. You need to breathe," Alyssa was telling her.

Corinne looked up at her friends, and saw that they were being sincere and smiled a little.

"And besides," Alyssa said, "I guess I can understand. He does have really good hair."

* * *

During all this: Lauren was running through the halls, looking in every secret passage and every hiding place. She searched the library before she was kicked out for disturbing books, then she tried the Room of Requirement but no one was there. She even considered checking the kitchens but didn't feel like arguing with the house elves.

She stomped her foot on the stone floor and said to no one in particular, "Where the hell IS everyone?"


	8. The Truce

Disclaimer and Summary: See chapter 1

Ch. 7:

Going back to the dungeon where everything important was happening, Corinne was crying, Remus was running in with coffee, Sirius and James were quite scared because they weren't used too much emotion, Pam's arm was around Corinne, and Lindsay and Alyssa each were holding one of her hands.

"You really like him, huh?" Pam asked.

Corinne nodded.

"Okay," Alyssa said, "well we broke this, we're going to have to fix it."

All six teenagers stood up, because by some magical connection they all had the same idea.

"Wait!" Corinne said, hopping up, "Where are you going? How are you going to fix it?"

"You'll see!" they called back as they went looking for a blonde haired Slytherin.

* * *

"Malfoy!" Lucius heard his name behind him as he stalked down the corridor. Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, depending on how you looked at it, he was no longer in his common room. He couldn't stand sitting for more than a few minutes at a time, and went back to roaming the halls, trying to look dark and scary to the innocent first-years.

Yet, even so, he had expected this. You didn't make one of THOSE girls cry without suffering the consequences. He stopped and flipped his hair as he turned around.

"Yes?" he said, and he had to admit they almost looked scary. He felt himself tremble, just a little. James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin stepped up, and Lucius Malfoy stepped back, because he was almost certain that he was about to be punched.

But then James Potter did something incredibly historical.

He held out his hand.

"What is this?"

"It's a truce," James said.

"But a truce with guidelines!" Alyssa piped up.

"For instance, we really still don't like you much, but we're willing to pretend, because of the Redhead," Sirius said, quite seriously, while trying to furrow his eyebrows and look menacing.

"Well, I don't like you either."

"You're not in a compromising position here, Malfoy," Pam spat at him.

So Lucius weighed his options. One, he could shake and get back together with his girlfriend and live peacefully, or he could deny and all hell could break lose.

He shook.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the long update and the short chapter. We're all really busy this week with this play at school, butstay withus,next time there'll be a fun plot twist.

Please read and review!

Sorry I don't have time to do individual thank yous (not like there are that many) but thanks to everyone who reviewed!

Oh, yeah, and I'm surprised no one brought this up, the line from the last chapter, I think, "It's why her hair's so big, it's full of secrets!" is from Mean Girls, so don't sue.


	9. Introducing A Plot Point!

Summary and Disclaimer: see Chapter 1

Chapter 9:

As Corinne made up with Lucius and the other six teenagers drifted away, one person watched everything. He sat in a dark corner. No invisibility cloak hid him, just pure sneakiness and skill. He was the person you always hated in movies. The one who made you want to jump through the screen and choke to death.

There was nothing special about him. There was something ironic that this story's villain was not a Slytherin.

He hated those Marauders. He hated everyone. James Potter with his glasses, and his Snitches, and his hair. Sirius Black...just being him. Remus Lupin with his books and his reading...like anyone cared.

And the girls, they were the worst. They just floated around like the owned everything. Nothing wavered them. And they laughed through it all.

They were going down.

The girls looked over at the odd, creepy, scary, new character dude.

"Hey, buddy, we can hear you!" Alyssa shouted.

The eerie boy snapped out of his monologue. "What?"

"We get it, you hate us, and you like to lurk in the shadows. But honestly, when you say those things, DON'T SAY IT OUT LOAD!" Lindsay said exasperated.

This kid has been following them around Hogwarts for 6 years, mumbling about how much he hated them all under his breath, but still load enough for them all to hear him.

"He's like Kreacher, my mad house-elf. Insults people and thinks they don't hear him. Nutter," Sirius said.

The boy shot them a look of pure hatred and slumped away slowly.

"Do we have to worry about him?" Corinne asked.

"Yea, probably, he's a plot point now," Pam said.

"He'll probably follow us around, going off on his crazy rants for a couple of chapters, then he'll finally snap and get his revenge," Alyssa stated matter-of-factly.

"How do KNOW all this?" James asked.

Alyssa sighed, "James, this is like Horror Movies 101. Stalker dude follows popular kids, one day he finally goes nuts and kills everyone."

"Oh god," Corinne said faintly.

Lindsay nodded. "Yeah, but don't worry. He won't go crazy until a pivotal, climatic point in the plot, like at the Yule Ball or End of Term Feast or something."

"Oh. Ok then," Corinne nodded, and they all walked away, completely forgetting that their inevitable doom was drawing near. No one really paid any attention to that weird Cornelius Fudge kid anyway.

Hogwarts was gorgeous in the fall. Perfect for Quidditch. As it turned out, (because who's writing this story, anyway?), the Quiddtich team was made up of our characters.

James Potter was the captain and he played Seeker (A/N: we know he didn't really play Seeker, according to JKR's site, but please, just pretend, ok?) He was the best player Hogwarts had seen in a long time.

The two Beater positions were played by Sirius and Remus. Sirius could probably handle the position himself, but Remus was helpful in the area of keeping Sirius from causing anyone, including himself, head damage.

Pam loved the position of Keeper. Everyone was afraid of going down to her end of the field, so the opposite team hardly ever scored any goals. She had been known to whip out her swords.

Lindsay, Alyssa, and Corinne were chasers and they were damn good. Guys had been known to underestimate them, but they were fast and insane. Good (or scary, depending on which team you're on) combinations in Chasers.

They had won the Cup for the past two years, even since James took over as Captain, and they didn't plan on losing this year. Right now, however, James was screaming into the girl's locker room.

"Ladies!" He was shouting, as Sirius and Remus were practicing out on the pitch, "Can we please start soon?"

"James! I am doing my hair!" Alyssa yelled out.

"Can't it wait?"

"No!" shouted Lindsay, Pam, and Corinne.

"What are the rest of you doing?"

"Having a moment!" said Corinne, "Duh."

He considered his options and then made a quick decision. "I'm coming in!"

"To the girl's locker room?"

"Yes!"

There was silence and then, "Whatever, Potter."

"None of you better be naked."

"Okay…"

"I'm just doing my captainly duties."

"We know."

"You better be getting some clothes on, I am coming in."

"Do you really think we're just running around naked in here?"

Finally, with his right hand over hiseyes (okay, so maybe he was peeking a little…alright, who are we kidding, he was totally peeking!) he stumbled into the locker room. The girls all turned toward him, and Lindsay quickly grabbed her camera and snapped a picture.

"Now I will forever remember the day that James Potter infiltrated the girl's locker room," she smirked sweetly.

"Guys! I mean, girls! We have to play!" James shouted.

"James, this is all part of our game plan," Alyssa stated.

"Oh, wow, Lyssa. How is doing your hair supposed to help us win Quidditch?"

"Distraction. It's my own personal strategy. Works every time."

"What?"

Alyssa sighed. "We look so good that the other team can't concentrate. I'm surprised you haven't noticed this tactic before, we've been using it for years."

"What do you mean?"

Corinne giggled. "Remember the final game last year, when you caught the Snitch from right under Malfoy's nose at the last second? And how you took all the credit for it? You only caught the Snitch because of me."

"And how is that?"

Corinne gave him a look. "Take a guess."

James turned bright red.

"Oh, and remember the final game two years ago?" Alyssa asked.

"I'm not sure I want to know."

"Sirius scored the winning goal and then you caught the Snitch. He only scored that goal because I was chatting with the Ravenclaw keeper. Then Lindsay flipped her hair in the Seeker's direction, and you caught the Snitch. See? Distraction."

"You flirted with the Ravenclaw keeper? That was when we were going out!" James yelled.

Lindsay got fed up. "But see, you're missing the point. The strategy of distraction! It's the whole reason we've won for the past two years. Sodon't rush us out of the locker room again!"

With that, they pushed James out of the locker room and slammed the door.

"So," James said, looking around at his championship-winning team, "now that the girls are done doing, whatever it is that takes them so long to do, I would like to say a few wor-"

"Oh God no, James. Not your freakin' victory speech again," said Pam, squinting her eyes and reaching sneakily for her sword.

"Yeah, and believe me, we've heard it enough. No one should even be exposed to it, I swear," Lindsay agreed.

"Ditto. It's really just…awful…" Corinne grinned apologetically.

"Yeah, it really doesn't make us want-to-go-out-there-and-win so much as get-back-in-here-and-kill-ourselves," Alyssa said.

James looked to the guys for support, but all they did was guiltily avoid his eyes when he asked, "It's not really that bad, is it?"

Defeated, he rumpled his hair, and said, "Fine Just get out there and win."

In the crowd…

In his best Ravenclaw robes, he sat with his house, squinting and trying to make out the players. Pouting slightly, he slumped in his seat, angry he couldn't see anything. He tied up his long red hair and waited for the players to finally take the field.

Finally the Gryffindors ran (and stumbled and wheezed and danced) out onto the field and were greeted with one of the greatest roars from the crowds. Pam tied a Gryffindor flag around her sword and waved it around happily.

James and Sirius bolted in front of the girls, trying to look as cool as they could…and proceeded to fall flat on their faces. They were greeted with a hysterical laughing fit from the crowd, and an even louder one from the audience.

Remus was walking behind everyone else, and watched the antics of his friends. "Why did I let them talk me into this? I don't like Quidditch," he mumbled. A second later, he saw James and Sirius walk straight into each other, head on.

"Oh," he thought, "right."

"Mount your brooms!" they all heard, and lined up.

As James got his team in order, Nott, the Slytherin captain, started talking quite loudly.

"See, boys, this is how my team will never be. More estrogen than testosterone."

James tried to ignore them, but unfortunately, the girls had heard. They all paused, listening hard.

"I mean everyone knows it's a guys' game," Nott continued, "I'm surprised they could even lift the Quaffle. And the keeper is a girl! She's probably too busy fixing her hair to watch the hoops!"

Pam nearly stabbed him right there, but James held her back and whispered, "Take it out on the field."

James stepped forward and shook hands with Nott. Behind him were Crabbe, Goyle, Parkinson, the Lestrange brothers, and finally Malfoy. All guys, big and strong, but the girls got a thrill in taking them on.

The whistle blew. Before anyone knew what was happening, Alyssa screamed, and shot off like a bullet for the still rising Slytherin team.

The Slytherins panicked, the small screaming brunette was heading right towards them, so they fled in all directions. This left Alyssa free to grab the Quaffle and head toward the free goal posts.

"Parkinson!" Nott yelled, realizing what was happening. But it happened quickly, and the red ball soared in a graceful arc straight through the hoop, where Lindsay grabbed it and scored another goal, followed by Corinne.

"30, nothing, Gryffindor!" the announcer yelled.

"Estrogen rocks!" James yelled into Nott's face before flying after Malfoy in search of the Snitch.

"Gryffindor wins!" the announcer yelled, only a short time later. The crowds cheered and the girls all did a victory dance, but James was unable to bask in his glory, all because he was arguing with Alyssa.

"You were flirting with him!" he screamed until he was red in the face, "with a Slytherin!"

"Is there a problem?" she flipped her hair and glared at him, daring him to disagree.

"You did it when I wasn't paying attention!" he said, whining like a child.

"That's because you were catching the Snitch! No one was hitting Bludgers at you because of ME!"

"I could have caught it allon my own!"

She just nodded sarcastically.

"You're too pretty to play Quidditch."

"Well, what do you want me to do? Pray to God, 'Oh, Lord, why did you curse me with this face?'"

Then, apparently completely fed up with each other, both stomped off. When James reached his best friend, he said, "Alyssa's definitely falling for me again."

And just a few feet over, "Lindsay, James is definitely in love with me again."

"Was there ever any doubt?"


	10. Let's Be Perfect Together!

Disclaimer and Summary: See Chapter 1

A/N: this chapter rated R for some cursing

Thanks to freakin-person (again-YAY) for reviewing, and also to xxxsaphiretearxxx for reviewing.

In response to barfhead's review, this isn't supposed to be making fun of mary sues. This isn't really a parody (as we've said before) at least not of Harry Potter; if anything it's a parody of ourselves. In the A/N we explain that there are 5 of us writing this, and we use the story to make fun of each other and the situations we manage to get ourselves into. How the characters are presented is how we really are, and how we see ourselves, and I don't really see any elements of Mary Sue-ness in us, even though we are a group of giggly girls. We have our quirks and we have our flaws, and that should be evident in this story. Don't be offended by this, I just hope this clarifies some stuff. Thanks for reviewing.

Chapter 10:

"Christmas time is here!" Lindsay sang out, off tune and quite loudly in the middle of the corridor, causing several first years to glance around and give her funny looks. Well, what did they expect? It was quite chilly in the corridor and Lindsay had been here a while, waiting for a boy who did not seem to want to show himself.

Before she got a chance to think about how much she would love to be enjoying a good pranking, she was smacked upside the head by her best friend, mid-song.

"I'm sorry I got bored," Lindsay said rubbing her head, "not that James hunting isn't utterly fascinating to me."

"Where would he be?" Alyssa asked, glancing over the heads of some passing first years.

"Maybe he was captured by the crazy sadistic pumpkins," Lindsay suggested as she glared at a pumpkin down the hall, which grinned a little more menacingly in response.

"Do you think he's in the library?" asked Alyssa ignoring her friends' antics.

"COME ON!" Lindsay groaned, throwing up her hands and flopping onto her back quite dramatically, "This is James. I'd be surprised if he's EVER been in the library, and if he has, it was only to deface school property."

"Do you have a better idea then?" Alyssa asked.

Lindsay immediately sat up and became serious, "Actually yes."

"What's that?"

"Well, you want to find James, and James is not here, or there, or anywhere…." Alyssa rolled her eyes, "so why don't you look for Sirius."

"And where would Sirius be?"

"Well... isn't it feeding time?"

Down in the depths of the Hogwarts kitchens, the house elves were currently staring at an act of pure astonishment taking place in front of them.

Lindsay and Alyssa walked into Corinne and Sirius apparently engaged in some sort of eating contest.

Next to each was a pile of used plates. Most of the plates were bigger than either contestant's heads. Both were currently shoving a sandwich the size of a small cauldron down their throats. Corinne, however, was winning by a large margin.

She swallowed her last chunk of sandwich and slammed her fist down on the table, "HA!" she yelled, and sprayed Sirius with sandwich crumbs.

"NO!" he screamed around several bites still lingering in his mouth, "DU CAD WID! GI ADWAGS WID!"

"Swallow Sirius," Remus said, pushing a glass of cider at his friend.

Sirius gulped it down, and then yelled, "I AM AN EATING MACHINE! DO YOU KNOW HOW OFTEN I"VE BEEN CALLED BOTTOMLESS? DO YOU? DO YOU? YOU SKINNY LITTLE BITCH!"

Corinne just turned to the nearest house elf and asked, "Do you have any ice cream?" the house elf nodded and ran off as Corinne yelled after it, "with chocolate sauce, but not fudge, sauce, and some strawberries, but make sure their fresh, an- oh I'll just come help you," and she hurried off with her stomach rumbling.

James and Remus finally noticed Alyssa and Lindsay while Sirius finished his sandwich slowly.

"You just missed an hour of competitive pigging out," said James.

"Aw, damn shame," Alyssa mumbled as she sat down.

Lindsay sat next to Remus and watched as Alyssa looked at James, and then looked away. Then James looked at Alyssa, and then almost instantaneously became fascinated by his goblet.

"So this Halloween ball," Lindsay said, "James who are you going with?"

James mumbled something incomprehensible.

"Sorry, I missed that."

"I haven't asked anyone yet."

Lindsay saw Alyssa smile just a little.

"Who are you going to ask?"

"Probably Jill," James answered, checking Alyssa's reaction, "Cause, you know, over the summer my old relationship fell apart, and Jill seems really nice and will make certain people really jealous."

"Fucker," Alyssa muttered under her breath, "why do they always run to her, stupid bitch- I could take her."

"Wait!" Corinne shouted finally returning with her sundae, "Lys, you don't have a date, and James, I'm sorry, but your not taking Jill because... because... that would upset the Marauder balance! Don't we have a rule against that or something? If we don't, we should. And just as an afterthought, has our ice cream always been this creamy, because I don't think it's always been so-"

"You don't have a date?" James interrupted what could be an hour long rant on the creaminess of ice cream.

"Um, no?" Alyssa answered, "but people have asked... just none of them are worthy of enjoying my comical wit and hilarity. Plus, I wouldn't want to upset the marauder balance... according to Corinne."

"You want to... go together?" he asked, blushing quite brightly, "because you know, your perfect.. I'm perfect... let's be perfect together!" (A/N: WICKED rules!)

Alyssa pretended to think about it, "Well I guess we could, since no one in this school lives up to our expectations, except each other."

"Please tune in next time for the exciting conclusion of 'WHEN EGO"S CLASH!'" Sirius said in an announcer voice.

"Wait, what happened to Jill?" asked Remus, confundled by all the witty banter.

"Oh, she was just a clever ploy to make Alyssa pissed, which worked amazingly well." Sirius explained.

"Ok, Pads, who are you going with?" James asked.

"I have many dates lined up as no woman has the human capability of resisting my hot body," this said, he leaned back and tried desperately to look handsome.

"Going alone then? Remus asked.

Sirius nodded, "Of course, I feel the divine art that it going solo has been tragically lost. This way I am free to go on my merry way however I please."

"Does that include getting drunk and crying like a girl about how no one loves you?" Lindsay piped in, "Like last year?"

"The group laughed, and Sirius with a very smug expression on his face asked, "Alright, Lindsay, who is taking you to the blessed event?"

"None of your business," Lindsay said throwing a pretzel at him, but at the same time blushing.

"Just as I thought," Sirius said, "it's happening all over again."

"What is?" asked Corinne.

"The blonde has no date, Remus has no date, they will both mope around, smiling when everyone talks about how happy they are with their dates, because it's what they do, and then finally the day before the dance Remus will ask her, and all will be right," he smirked, "Just like last year, and the year before that. So let's get this over with now so we don't have to deal will all the unhappiness."

He turned to Alyssa, "Remus wants to take Lindsay to the ball."

"Lindsay would love to go!" Alyssa squealed, "She's excited and she's sure she'll have a lovely time!"

"They'll meet outside the Great Hall?"

"Perfect."

"Alright," Remus said, "you've made your point, we'll go together and save you all the grief," then he turned away and smiled.

"Ok," James grabbed an éclair, "who will be accompanying you, our fair red-head?"

Corinne choked a little on her sundae, had a coughing fit, and then managed to say, "Lucius of course."

Sirius, James, and Remus exchanged looks, "He hasn't done anything... you know... Slytherin- like right?

"Nope," Corinne answered getting dreamy eyed, "he's been great."

While Sirius proceeded to make rather grotesque puking noises under the table, James asked, "Are you sure? Because if not, you don't have to worry, we could take him."

"Well actually James," Remus piped in, "you could take him. I could pretend to know nothing about the whole thing, or quote useless research at him."

The whole group laughed, and while they were laughing they heard a familiar voice out in the hall.

"Pam?" Corinne asked, dropping the remains of a pastry on the table.

Slowly the group inched its way over to the portrait hole for the kitchens. After much bumping, twisting, and pulling (MY HAIR JAMES!) they were able to arrange themselves in a way that they could all see out of the tiny crack.

"Can you please tell me what house you're in? What year? Your favorite potato chip? How many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop? What you would do for a Klondike bar? Something???" Pam was saying to the red-haired boy beside her.

He shook his head, "No, I'm sorry. You can't know much about me just yet. Maybe... one day when the time is right."

"What am I supposed to tell my friends? They probably think I'm going out with some freak! How can I explain this to them?"

"Your friends are smart, they'll know when not to pry, for now just leave it be," he took one of her hands.

"Alright," she conceded, she ran on hand over the hilt of her sword, a nervous habit, "So I'll be seeing you?"

"No wait," he stopped her from walking away, "I want to ask you to the Halloween Ball."

"If you do I'll say yes." she said.

They shared a moment of silence, and then both smiled. It was all Lindsay, Corinne, and Alyssa could do not to sigh in awe as Pam and Arsenio walked away, sword gently clanking together.

"AH!" said Sirius clutching his heart, "ROMANCE!"


End file.
